When The Elder Scrolls Skyrim came out, I was wholly obsessed with it. To the point, that I got tired of missing out on all the pretty texture packs of the PC users (as I was playing on PS3 at the time) and literally went out and built a computer JUST for Skyrim.
After all this time – it would appear I am obsessed again. Hahaha.
Onto the adventures!!
I started myself a new Warhammer wielding bringer of death, collected my Lydia (aka. Chlamydia) and took on the world.
Hey Chlamydia, go easy on the contouring ey? You look like you have a 5 o’clock shadow… I mean heeeey gurl, looking on fleak today!
So Lydia and I start stomping around the country side. First priority, is to visit every city so that I have a fast travel point for near by questing.
Stopped by Markath to solve some murders and buy some goods.
I reaaaallly have to question what that meat he’s holding is. Because when you’re just a torso trying to sell me large chunks of mystery flesh – I start to ponder being a vegetarian.
Now, one of the other things I’ve been doing is trying to get the 15 Daedric Artifacts. These tend to be fairly high in stats and look a bit fancy, so I picked myself up the Savior’s Hide. Now, this was the most powerful piece of Armour I had at the time so I was of course wearing it.
While this armour looks a bit skankeriffic in general, I wasn’t fully aware of HOW skanky it was until I got a kill cam on a Dragon.
I can imagine what the towns people are saying while I defend their city from the flying lizards.
Look friends! It’s the great Dovakin here to save us from the…oh my! Kids, cover your eyes.
The second Daedric Artifact I got was ALSO a piece of armor. While it may not be as revealing as the first, I’m pretty sure my epic mustache mask has it’s own level of seduction.
New from Victoria’s Secret – the Mustache Night-Mask. Now only $499.00.
While Chlamyd’s and I were dungeoneering, I found this odd shaped ball. Figured that it would look nice at home on the mantle to shoot sparks at and pretend we’re having he worlds most ancient disco when suddenly a voice emanates from it asking me to return it to it’s rightful place.
As I am not in the business of robbing others of their party goods, I promptly followed the instructions and went to find the shindig to ask if we were invited and could my trusty follower come as a +1?
When I arrived, it turned out that the voice was coming from some sort of statue in the middle of who-knows-where.
Have you considered Tindr? Your love can reach a radius pre-determined in the settings.
I stepped up, as I’m not one to judge the race of others, far be it for me to tell a statue they can’t hook up and party, and placed the disco ball into the nook at the bottom when suddenly I get launched into the air.
Ok lady, calm your various light beams, and put me back on the ground. I’m not into your weird sky events.
Meridia, who turned out to be the god of infinite energy asked me to go turn on the lights for the party in her old temple.
Lydia was a fan of the idea despite telling me 18 bloody times “I don’t like the look of this”, but then again, she might of been catching her reflection in the pool of blood on the floor.
I flick all these reflective balls on, and the temple starts to light up – which is far more the party I was hoping for.
You’ll be coming home with me tooooniiiiiight, and we’ll be burning up like neeeeon liiiiiights
So cool, the lights are on. I go to leave the temple and let Meridia know she’s ok to start letting the guest know that they can start arriving when this AWFUL, and I mean AWFUL dude leaps out and starts shooting me with ice shards.
Normally, I’m ok with someone gettin’ all mad that there is a party happening in their house and they weren’t invited – because that’s just rude, but this guy just kept at it.
Wouldn’t listen to reason so had to give him a beat down and let him know that it was not ok to just start shooting at people when suddenly, he changes into his party gear.
On second thoughts Meridia, I don’t think I like your friends. We might give the party a miss.
After putting down the scary bro at the end of the temple, Lyds and I head back to let Meridia know what happened, and show her this cool sword we picked up when suddenly she get’s all cult on me and asks if I want to preach her religion of Tindr fans and party goers.
Sorry but, there is no other word appropriate here except a really loud NOPE.
Well, that is the end of the adventures for the time being.
Tune in next week for another episode of Skanks with Swords.